Age, Sleep, Teeth & How to get Even
by Tamara Sawyer
I noticed I am being referred to by many of the inmates here at Dublin, as either “the older woman” or “mom.” At first, I didn’t notice it. For some reason lately this has really been bothering me until I realized that:
A) At least I wasn’t being referred to as “granny” which is how all lifers or woman appearing older than 60 are referred to.
B) 90% of all the woman here are under the age of 30 so I am “an older woman”
C) They only say that because of my maturity and use of really great manners:)
D) Most 30 to 35 year old woman here look 50 due to their extended periods of serious drug use.
E) Woman here who are actually 50, look like they are 65 for the very reason stated above!
Therefore, I have decided I simply am going to relish in the fact that I am “an older woman” because every single time I ask whoever is making that reference how old they think I am they say 40!
I was given an amazing theory last night. If I sleep 12 hours every single day, I actually will only serve half of my sentence. I like it, ima going with it!
Many of the woman here have little if any teeth and many of them are missing their front teeth. It was brought to my attention by my husband that this is due to extended drug use. I have a couple of seriously funny stories that have happened in the last 2 days. Veronica my new friend from Europe is rooming with this little 70 year old lady who apparently has been here for like 20 years, and was somehow involved with the mafia. She looks the part, so cute seriously. When someone makes her mad she pounds one of her fists into her flattened palm several times and says “it’s a good day to go to the shoe” which is where you go if you get caught fighting. It’s actually solitary confinement. Well, last night she came back to the room after her shower without one of her front teeth. It was hilarious. Veronica said, “oh my gosh, Mama Seeta, what happened to your tooth?” She said “it fell out in the shower!” So the hunt was on for her tooth in the shower but lo and behold no front tooth. Down the drain clearly. When Veronica asked her how it fell out she said it was screwed on and it came loose. Now when she laughs she holds her finger in front of her lip, poor thing. Then, last night as a group of us were on the sun deck visiting, one of the woman Debbie, who is rather large, has red hair, no teeth at all, was asked by Veronica very politely “Miss Debbie, what happened to your teeth?” to which Debbie replied “well, when the swat team kicked in my front door unexpectedly, I had marijuana, meth, and my teeth and the marijuana and the meth were more important than my teeth, so I grabbed them!” Hysterical. You should have seen the look on pristine, Veronica’s face!
Okay if you have a weak stomach DO NOT read this!!!! This is my life now though and this for some reason was the funniest thing I have ever heard! One of the inmates here was telling us last night that they were really mad at one of the other inmates in our unit, so she wrote a “cop out”, which is the form we use to request any thing from anyone or any service offered here at Dublin, requesting in this other girls name that she be seen by Medical for severe burning and itching when she has a bowel movement, as well as a horrible odor with something resembling cottage cheese coming out of her!!!!! I am trying to keep this as PG as possible because this is not at all what she really wrote on that “cop out.” It was much more colorful. When you write a request like that to Medical, they put you on a “call out” whenever they feel like it, depending on how bad the problem is. The very next day the girl was called over to medical for her “condition” and was furious because of course they never let you ask questions here, and made her strip down and have an “examination” for her condition. Seriously, I know it’s probably not funny but I laughed until I cried!!!!!!! Hey, it’s better than fist fighting and going to the shoe for a month!
That’s it for now more later! Again please accept my apologies for the color and flavor of some of these e-mails. You have NO idea how much you are NOT hearing about that goes on here. Kevin and I are going to have such great stories when we get back!