Joy vs Heartbreak

by Tamara Sawyer

I had the best weekend ever.

The most handsome young man in the whole world came to visit me this weekend for the entire weekend with his Auntie M. London came to spend time with his grandma. Of course I had lot’s of apprehension around how he would do and how it would affect him, and as usual, our family is so resilient. Over the years I have read so many quotes by little kids and it always amazes me that they are so pure and innocent with their questions. As they were checking in to see me, everyone is allowed to bring in a baggie full of quarters and dollar bills for the vending machines. As they were walking through the scanner London said to Megan, “Auntie M, Did you bring enough money to get Grama out of jail?” So stinking cute. When they got in the car after they left me the first day he said “oh man, I wanted to cry so bad leaving Grama, the tears were trying to come out of my eyes so hard, but I didn’t let them!” Then he said to me the first day “Grama I was just thinking that maybe you could just come and stay with us tonight and we would bring you right back tomorrow!” No way I said, I wouldn’t want to come back!!!! He just kept sitting on my lap and of course we once again played every game they had here for 2 days.

And then Megan had her own kind of excitement on the play ground as she was swinging. The cutest little 3 year old black boy you ever saw walked over to the swing next to her and he had tears running down his face like he had just stopped having a fit. She looked at him and said “oh hi”, and he screamed bloody murder at her pointing a finger a screamed “NO!”. She gasped and looked at me and London and as we started laughing. He literally got off his swing, walked over to her and hauled off and slugged her with his fist as hard as he could before his mother came racing over to stop him from beating her up. I told her “way to go, just get yourself thrown in the shoe while your here for beating up little kids on the prison playground.” It was so so so funny. After the mom hauled the child off, a few minutes later Megan was swinging with London again and he yelled “Uh Oh…Auntie M, look out” so she stopped really quick just as the same little monster walked inches in front of her glaring at her the whole time……..and she really is the most beautiful, sweet girl ever. 

The weekend caused me to realize that as I go through most every day here, nothing really is bad. Until today, it was really bad. Saying goodbye to that little boy, again. As I was giving him his last hug he said in a very quiet voice, “Grama, what did you and Papa do wrong that made you have to come here?’ I swear, I felt like my world fell right out from under me at that very moment. What could I answer? Honestly I simply asked him if he thought Papa & Grama would ever do anything they knew was really bad? He said “no.” I said “your right little buddy.” Then he said, “I just really miss you, so much.” This isn’t light. This is gut wrenching painful, so to all the “haters” out there, I hope this can some how satisfy your sense of justice, knowing that there are parts that are quite simply devastating. And that it’s far reaching.

And then….I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful we are all healthy. I am thankful that I will see him again very soon. I am thankful that I have the most amazing friends and family in the world that without their support, letters, phone calls, books, magazines etc I would be having a really hard time.