This is such an exciting week!

by Tamara Sawyer

Kevin is coming home and no one is more excited than I am except maybe our cute grandboy London……who wrote me my very first EVER letter and told me that Papa was coming home to the big red house and he himself gets to spend 2 days with him. The cutest letter I have ever ever gotten in my whole entire life (sorry husband:). That being said I thought I would offer a few words of advice to help all of our friends and family members in the adjustment period Kevin will likely go through upon his arrival. Hopefully, this will provide some insight while giving you information that will make this transition a smooth one.

Try to avoid large crowds and long lines in particular. Kevin will get into any line and stand complacently for hours. DO NOT under any circumstances, allow him to go shopping without a shopping list where he will, in all liklihood, have everything neatly written down in order or departments in the store with a small box checked next to it. Arrange for Safeway or Albertsons to assign him a number and have him wait outside until they have his order filled and in a cart. He can then bag everything himself and he will probably want to walk home with it all slung over his shoulder.

Occasionally walk through our house when he is home with a huge bunch of keys that are on the end of a chain and keep shaking them so he knows someone with some authority is close by. If you could just yell some ethnic phraises and/or some jibberish (preferably in Spanish) while your shaking your keys that would be really helpful.

Make sure he is in bed by 11:00pm, and around midnight if someone could go over to the house and shine a really bright flashlight through the bedroom window directly in his eyes and make sure you have a squawking walkie talkie turned up as loud as it can go while your doing this that would be great. He probably won’t really be able to settle down to some peaceful sleep until all of that happens. Then if you could just go back over and do that again at 2:00am and 4:00am that would be really great! Make sure that if you do this and can’t see skin that you bang on the window as loud as you can to make sure he is in fact in bed and that he is alive. This whole process may sound strange but trust me the Federal Government is the one that devised it so it must be something that is super great and serves some purpose in life.

If you get to have a meal with him, which I am sure you will, try to ignore him if you see him quietly pull any old plastic bag out of his pocket silently and starts to fill it with sugar or tries to wrap all of his food in a napkin and puts it in his pocket all the while continuing to eat as if nothing happened or is going on. This can be so embarrasing in restaurants particularly.

After work you may notice that he flies into the house and grabs a folding chair or any chair and places it directly in front of the tv with his shirt or coat thrown over it to reserve his spot for a later tv program he may want to watch, or you may notice that around 4:00pm he may drop whatever he is doing and run to the bedroom where you will find him standing quietly by his bed. If this occurs just yell as loud as you can “count clear” and he will snap out of it and come rejoin you in whatever he was doing before.

You may notice that he will go through a period of time where he may be perplexed when receiving mail and attempting to open it. You may need to take it from him, open the envelope be slitting the top of it, tear whatever is inside of it in two and then put it back in the envelope and staple the crap out of it so he can then properly open it.

If he is outside the best way to get him to come in is to yell out the door “RECALL FOR COUNT” or if you simply want him to come for dinner just yell “MAINLINE”. If he wanders through the house at night, tell him that a “BED BOOK COUNT” could occur at any moment and to get back to his room, and if he really gets out of line, tell him your going to call a “HACK” to give him a “SHOT” and then take him to the “SHU” and you’ll be amazed at how fast he gets with the program because if he goes to the “SHU” he could lose “GOOD TIME”.

Last he may prefer to store all of his food and clothing, and even toiletries is one single small box or locker, probably under his bed, and do his laundry by throwing ALL of his dirty clothes in a mesh bag, which he in turn will throw in the washing machine, put it on a light wash that won’t take more than 1/2 an hour to wash and then place that same bag with the clothes still in it in the drier to dry. That being said I would advise you NEVER to ask Kevin to do your laundry.

Last, friends…you know who you are, do not let him have more than 1/2 small glass of wine when he first gets home because……..well just because……I am not sure what will happen:) Other than that he will hopefully have a super smooth transition back into life as he once knew it. And your all there to help so I am super happy about that!