The thing that I have dreaded the most happened….

by Tamara Sawyer

The thing that I have dreaded the most happened…..first the e-mail saying to call home ASAP and then everyone saying that the counselor had been calling my name on the intercom to come to his office right away……the dread of not wanting to call home, and not even wanting to go to the counselors office because nothing good could be waiting and the news wasn’t going to be anything I wanted to hear. My mother had a major stroke, is in ICU, surrounded by tons of family and friends that are loving and supporting and will be on their knees praying non stop for her and my father, thankfully. For me, it’s hard for me to even picture what is going on, to process it, what it looks like, what it means, any of it really. I felt so many things when I heard the news, thankful beyond words that no one had died, and that my children, and grandchildren were safe, something I pray for daily, and yet my mom in a single moment can’t talk, or walk, or recognize my dad, or brother, or girls? How did that happen? So what I can do from here is pray, and be still, and talk to my girls and think, and wonder, and be thankful that I have a slew of memories to hold onto.

I have seen so many woman since I have been here go through this process of something happening to a family member. Everyone handles tragedy differently, but the one overriding thing that seems to happen to all of us when there is simply nothing we can do to help, surrounded in an environment where really we know no one, and we are not surrounded by friends or family, is that it just doesn’t seem real. It’s so hard to explain or put into words but I have heard many woman say that they feel like the death of a child, parent, or loved one or any type of tragedy while incarcerated doesn’t quite hit home because they are not there, they have not seen it, and therefore they are not experiencing the full impact of what happened.
I have a really good idea of what happened, and it’s not good, but I do know this….I am a fighter and I got it from someone and I would like to think that my mom had quite a bit to do with that so she is going to fight as well. First, she is going to rest and then she is going to start the long road to recovery and she will be victorious because she has one hell of a man standing beside her who is one of the toughest, logical, strongest men I know so she is in really good hands. And more than all of that with God on her side fighting the battle for her, well that’s all any of us really need to know. She’s in awesome hands.